If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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