Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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