I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
