These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if only i could text you this smell
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
