Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
