dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize