I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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