does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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