Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
