he puts the penis in happiness.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
