I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
