I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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