I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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