I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When are your genitals available?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
