i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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