I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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