There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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