I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
