I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
