Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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