It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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