so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
