Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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