If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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