I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
