Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
