Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize