so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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