dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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