watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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