I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Boobs are out for the taking
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
