don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
