Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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