I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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