You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
