She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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