You're completely useless in the revolution.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
