I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
