Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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