I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
