I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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