she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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