I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
