fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
did you just send me my own nude
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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