Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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