he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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