I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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