Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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