I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
