I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
