You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
