There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
