from now on my penis is your penis
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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