My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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