i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
