Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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