i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
