I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
