Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
