i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I just put wine in my tea
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Your shirt... Was in my pants
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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