i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
