Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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